Please stop the terrible Hallmark movie invasion.
by Isabel Hodges
A collection of posters, Hallmark.
The destruction of true holiday spirit
Whenever December rolled around, tv stations and streaming services would be flooded with Christmas movies, predominantly the shitty kind of Christmas movies. And these specific shitty Christmas movies are made by none other than: Hallmark. I’d walk downstairs to find my mum watching one of these movies, curled up in a blanket with a smile on her face. Soon enough I became accustom to this watching habit whenever Christmas grew near. Just by the generic (probably computer generated) titles such as: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year (2008) , Christmas Town (2019) and A Royal Christmas (2014) there’s really not too much thought going behind the title or really even the movies themselves.
Shot from the trailer for 'Merry & Bright', 2019, Hallmark.
All Hallmark movies are pretty much the same: the plots are similar, the acting is bad, the writing is terrible, the directing of the movie feels as if they just placed the camera somewhere and started rolling, the chemistry between the actors is always a bit weird and awkward, especially when an accent is involved, and the budgets are tiny. To draw in an outside audience these movies usually try and utilise a sort of “well known actor”, I use that phrase lightly as its more “that actor you recognise from that one movie from about 10+ years ago and your mum points at the screen continuously saying that she recognises them but can’t remember where from” think Chad Michael Murray, Candace Cameron Bure, Lacey Chabert and Torrey DeVitto. These are ‘famous’ actors (C/ D list) who were either in a/one hit tv show or movie but that was it. Now all they can book is cheesy and cringy hallmark Christmas movies where they act as if they’re made of cardboard, paid to clench their jaws in each shot to create some sort of uncomfortable sex appeal or tension and constantly looking constipated or confused. I guess this is the reason they can’t book anything else (or that their agent hates them).
Whilst we are on the topic of these actors I want to focus more on Chad Michael Murray. Starring in 10 Christmas movies, 8 of them being a Hallmark production you’d think Murray would have gotten the hang of it. WRONG. His newest hallmark movie Angel Falls Christmas (2021) has got to be one of the most excruciating experiences of my life, I feel as if this film could be used to torture people because watching it made me scream out in pain. It’s almost as if Murray himself was held at gunpoint or held hostage whilst making this movie. There’s sexy and then there’s Ted Bundy, like the delivery of his lines? Is Angel Gabriel a serial killer robot? Am I unaware about this secret Angel Gabriel lore?? Maybe Murray was practising for his next role Ted Bundy: American Boogeyman (2021) directed by Daniel Farrands who needs to be stopped! Why does he keep making awful movies about serial killers and why does he keep using actors from my childhood?!? The Haunting of Sharon Tate (2019) starring Hilary Duff was a disaster and Aileen Wuornos: American Boogeywoman (2021) starring Peyton List was a train wreck of a film. And guess what? Even if this was Murray preparing and practising to be Ted Bundy the film was an absolute flop, I learnt nothing about Bundy but more about how Murray cannot act to save his life!Give me a week in acting classes and I tell you I’ll be a better actor than Chad Michael Murray in no time.
Shot from the trailer for 'Angel Falls Christmas', 2022, Hallmark.
One particular scene in Angel Falls Christmas I find to be the absolute peak of comedy is when Chad Michael Murray pretends to ice skate, there is no ice skates or ice to skate on, but they had a vision and the vision was absolutely terrible. It’s almost as if Chad Michael Murray forgot what acting is. There is literally someone in the background skating on the ‘ice’ in white trainers!!! There isn’t really any consideration as to what they’re making or doing. As you can tell Hallmark Christmas movies are churned out constantly in a sort of factory line as they are recycled with the same actors, plots, themes, and failing directors. This is all quantity over quality. Production usually begins in August and ends in October to finally be released by December 1st as one of the 25 “Countdown to Christmas” movies that are shown on the network. Shot on the same sets, with the same wardrobe and props helps to keep costs down and keep a familiarity within the “Hallmark Cinematic Universe”. Hallmark also knows its audience, so when one movie does well they make similar movies banking on the idea that they will also perform well. With a budget for each movie being less than $1 million Canadian dollars it “allows some production companies to fly under the union radar and keep crew costs low, and tax credits take the edge off even that. “Worst-case scenario, they’re breaking even””
“Hallmark: one dream, one life, one lover”- Lana Del Rey “Venice Bitch”
The Christmas rom-com Hallmark formula:
My mum is a Hallmark connoisseur and she has decided that there is a tried and tested formula:
1. There is always a women (in her early 20s, even though the actress is probably older) in a dead end relationship/ Newley single / unlucky in love or they are just career motivated
2. Her task is always: going to a small toward to either escape a situation in her work or whatever is going on in her life or to close down a business or her company is taking over, or she is just there for work, or inherited a stupid fucking property (eg hotel/manor house)
3. She meets the “handsome hallmark guy” *insert cringe meet-cute*
4. He is: White, All-American clean cut, 9/10 times he’s a good looking Abercrombie model who live in the middle of buttfuck nowhere, but he’s always lived there, he wears Christmas colours or plaid because he lives in the middle of buttfuck nowhere and they all dress either like farmers, lumberjacks or 2012 Hipsters, he’s either 20 something or 40 something but trying to look and act as if he’s in his 20s (the hair dye isn’t working!!)
5. He has: a struggling business, or he is the hotel manager, but he is the reason she is going to the town or some crisis happens and he swoops in like a stupid white night
6. She always has a quirky friend she calls up for advice, or she is accompanied by (usually an unfunny comic relief)
7. Their relationship: There is instant attraction, but there is always a reason why they don’t just get it on in the first five minutes. Stupid PG 12, 50 shades could never!
8. She has a life changing experience (an accident that is never serious because if you’re in a hallmark movie you’re immortal) and she ends up moving to this tiny town
9. The reason they don’t get together: her job, he has a kid, he is a ghost???? BUT HE COMES BACK TO LIFE?!?!?!?!, a snow storm (because that happens all the time.), he’s not real (he’s Angel Gabriel????)
10. Father Christmas does his magic to make something happen????
11. They always kiss right at the very end, like there’s slow burn and then theirs this stupid slow snail shit
12. These bitches live happily ever after and everything is worked out
13. The business doesn’t fail, the take over doesn’t happen, the girl gets the guy and the GHOST COMES BACK TO LIFE? AND ITS DEFINITELY NOT WEIRD THAT HE’S BEEN DEAD FOR OVER 100 YEARS.
The Christmas Hallmark Movie Generator:
*inspired by a few I found online
Our white Hallmark Girl is...
She arrives in a small town/ returns to her hometown for Christmas...
She falls head over heels in love with:
...Also Father Christmas is real and he’s just that random old dude in the town that appears sporadically throughout the film, angels are real and come in human form to spread magic throughout the town and help our main characters fall in love, there is also royalty involved like Princes falling in love with the common basic white woman and ghosts are real as well and you can fall in love with them because that makes complete sense…
by Isabel Hodges, December 2022.
